Music to My Ears

The other night I saw the greatest band in the world.

It was a Friday, and I was having a really boring day at work. I had already finished all the hymns I needed to write for the week, so I was amusing myself by exporing some role-playing games on the internet. I had found a cool site called fredsfarmfiesta.com, where people pretended to be farm animals, or people who worked on the farm. I decided to create a farmhand character named Ham. I walked out into the barn and saw a lovely white cow with black spots all over it. You could type in words to talk to the other characters, so I decided to talk to the cow.

"Well hello there," I typed. "You are a very nice cow, my name is Ham."

"Hi there Ham," said the cow. "My name is Derri, what a handsome farmhand you are. Would you like to milk me?"

"Suuuuure!" I typed. My character walked over to the cow and started milking it.

"Mmmmm, that feels good," Derri said.

That went on for a while, then we started conversing about other things. After a while, it came out that we both lived in Vancouver.

"Hey, I am going to a show tonight, this amazing band," Derri the cow said. "You should come. It's at this place called Side Bar. Helmcken and Howe."

"Sure Derri, sounds like fun" I said. "What's your real name and what do you look like, so I will know it's you?"

"Actually my real name is Derri, but I am far from a cow!" she said. "I'll be sitting in a corner booth, and I'll be the most gorgeous woman in the place. I have long blond hair, a gorgeous tan, and the most beautiful face in the world. I'll be wearing a sexy pink dress."

"Okay Derri, I will see you there," I said.

I was glad to have something to do that night. Orgy Dan's Pussy Palisade, where I usually spent most of the weekend, was closed that night so they could do some repairs on the waterfall. I called Galopagus to see if he wanted to meet me there, but he said he felt like staying home and masturbating to midget porn.

After work, I headed home and showered, then I headed out to find this Side Bar place. When I got there, the bar appeared to be in a seedy hotel, and there were quite a few prostitutes hanging around. I was intrigued.

I went in, and the place wasn't very crowded yet. It was about 8:45 or so and the band didn't start until 9:00. I figured I would find Derri and I could get to know her a bit more before the band came on. The bar was fairly small, and seedy looking. There was a makeshift stage set up in front of an old bookcase. I looked around, and saw a woman with blond hair sitting in the corner.

Contrary to what she had told me, Derri was probably the most hideous creature I had ever laid eyes on. Instead of regular skin, her skin was white, with black splotches all over it, and it was covered in coarse fur. She did not have a regular nose, but where her nose should be, there was what looked like the head of a small grey mouse. The mouse head was wiggling, and its mouth was spewing a greenish substance that resembled puke and smelled a little bit like rancid cheese. Below the mouse-nose was a relatively normal mouth, except that the teeth were purple instead of white.

"Um, Derri, is that you?" I asked, a little frightened.

"Why yes, and you must be John the Baptist," she said. Her voice sounded kind of like an anteater burping.

"Um, yes, so...uh, when does this band start playing?" I asked. I figured I should still be polite, even though she was a monstrosity.

"Pretty soon," she said. "They are so great. The drummer is my brother."

"What are they called?" I asked.

"Snakes on a Stage," she said.

"That's interesting," I said. "Where did they get the name?"

"I think you'll understand when you see them," she said.

We made some more small talk, and about 10 minutes later, the lights dimmed and the owner of the bar, a rotund man named Gino, came on stage.

"Hello folks," Gino boomed. "Here they are, the greatest band in the world...Snakes on a Stage!!!!"

When the band came on stage, immediately I understood the name. Instead of people, the band members were all snakes. The lead singer was a boa constrictor, the lead guitarist was an anaconda, the bassist was a garter snake, and the drummer was a cobra. They all slithered onto the stage wearing sunglasses and polka-dotted bowties.

I was astounded that they could even carry their instruments, let alone play them, but as soon as the music started, I was enthralled. It sounded amazing! It was sort of a combination of punk and gospel. The best part about it was the drummer. Since obviously, since he was a snake, he had no arms, he held the drumstick in his mouth, and occasionally he would simply bang his head against the drums to make a different sound. At one point, he banged his head against the cymbal, and it made one of the coolest sounds I have ever heard in my life. It sounded a bit like a motorcycle revving, but better. It's hard for me to even describe.

"That snake on the drums is your brother?" I whispered to Derri.

"Yes, my younger brother," she said. "Isn't he talented?"

"Fuck yeah," I said. "Maybe after the show, I could meet him? I would love to get his autograph."

"Maybe," she said. "He can be kind of moody after his shows. I'll see how he is feeling."

"Cool," I said. "Is your brother gay or bisexual? I've always wanted to have sex with a snake. My penis stump would probably fit into his mouth, or maybe he could stick himself up my anus. Whatever he's into."

Derri looked appalled, and her mouse-nose now had some sort of green smoke coming out of its nostrils. "You're SICK!!!" she yelled. "How DARE you say such a thing about my brother! That is completely inappropriate!! I am going to eat you!"

At that point, she came towards me and opened her mouth. Surprisingly, it opened extremely wide, almost like an alligator's mouth, and her purple teeth started growing into huge tusks. I was terrified.

I ran out of the bar and out on the street. I could hear her chasing me and I needed to get away. I jumped onto the roof of a moving car, and thank god it was going fast enough to get away from her.

I never saw or talked to Derri again, and I never got to meet her brother. But the next time I was at a music store, I picked up the latest CD from my new favourite band, Snakes on a Stage.