Hoots and Hooters

I still remember the first time I met Judas.

I was on a camping trip with Galopagus and his sister, Hortense, who was visiting from Texas. We had driven from Vancouver up to Banff, and we were camping up on the side of the mountain. It was gorgeous, and we were having a great time doing some nude hikes during the day and hitting the clubs in Banff at night. There were a lot of Japanese tourists there, and a lot of them were really hot.

I had taken a week off from Hymns for the Holy. I had been working there for about a year at that point, and I had known Galopagus for almost that long. He had become something of a mentor to me, and a very good friend. I still felt very grateful to him for opening me up to the world of sexuality. I wasn't really attracted to him, but occasionally we would give each other hand jobs or he would use the jibber-jabber on my penis stump.

The day I met Judas, we were eating dinner at the Cariboo Lodge, a rustic restaurant that served a selection of freshly killed game. We wanted to get some protein in our systems because we were planning on attending a large party that was happening at a house on the outskirts of town.

Just as I was biting into my mountain goat steak, I saw the most striking man I had ever seen in my life walk into the restaurant. I will try to describe his appearance, but I am afraid I cannot really do it justice. I have included a picture so that you can see his magnificence.

Basically, he had the body of a regular man, albeit a magnificent one. When I first saw him he was wearing a black T-shirt with the words "Chris Copter" on it. But what I really noticed was his head. He had the head of an owl. I really don't know how else to put it. I am not saying his features reminded me of an owl or anything like that. It was actually an owl's head, with feathers and a beak and everything. I was bewildered, and a little fascinated.

He walked up to us, and said "Hello, I believe we have a mutual friend. My name is Chris Fartoculus. I go by the name Judas. I believe you know my father, Garf Fartoculus."

Garf was the bouncer at Orgy Dan's Pussy Palisade, the private sex lair we all frequented in East Vancouver.

"Why yes we certainly do know Garf," I said. "My name is John Dingleberry, otherwise known as John the Baptist."

We ended up inviting Judas to go to the party with us. He was a jovial fellow, who often came out with intriguing pieces of wisdom. While we were walking towards the party, he stated "Never drop the soap."

I was enthralled. I was envisioning what it would be like to engage in sexual relations with this man. What would it be like to kiss an owl beak? I wanted to find out.

The party ended up being in this huge mansion, and the action was happening in the large backyard, which backed right onto the edge of a mountain. There was a gargantuan pool and several hot tubs. Some people were nude, and others wore skimpy bathing suits.

And then something really fucked up happened.

I looked over at Judas, and I saw that his penis was out. But the thing is, it wasn't a normal penis. It actually looked exactly like a live fetus. It had a fully formed face, with eyes that seemed to twitch, and when I looked closely, I saw that the penis itself had its own penis, which itself was also shaped like a tiny, almost microscopic fetus.

"It goes on forever, my friend," Judas said when he saw me looking at it. "Cool eh?"

I was actually vaguely appalled. I mean I was a pretty open-minded guy, but this was one of the most fucked up things I had ever seen.

All of a sudden, I heard a different voice coming from the fetus-cock. It was sort of squeaky, much like a chipmunk.

"Don't be scared of me," it said. "I am here to open up your perception of the universe. After tonight, your life will change."

All night that night, Judas, Galopagus, the fetus-cock and I sat in one of the hot tubs and discussed advanced quantum physics and philosophy, and by the time morning came, my vision of the universe had forever altered.