Oh, God!

The day after that crazy party where I met Judas and the Infinite Fetus-Cock, I woke up on the roof of a barn. I had no idea where I was. I looked around and the land was flat all around me, not a tree in sight. There were a few cows grazing and a dirt road in the distance, but that was about it. I definitely wasn't in Banff anymore.

I looked around the barn roof, and I saw that Hortense, Galopagus's sister, was there also, reading a book. She had been in Banff with us but had disappeared before we went into the hot tub at that party.

"Hortense?" I called out tentatively. "Where are we?"

"Oh hi, John, I was waiting for you to wake up," she said cheerfully. "Would you like some breakfast?"

I was perplexed. "Um, I would love some, but seriously, where the hell are we?"

Hortense simply smiled, and pulled a live chicken out of her pocket. She held the chicken up by its head, and it promptly began laying eggs, about five of them. Hortense caught the eggs by holding up her skirt.

Once the eggs were laid, she took a frying pan and a lighter out of her pocket. She lit the chicken on fire and as its feathers and beak began burning to a crisp, she put the frying pan above it and began cooking the eggs.

She invited me to eat some of the eggs out of the frying pan with her, which I did because I was extremely hungry. However I was confused and mildly disgusted by what she had done to the chicken. And more importantly, I still didn't know where the hell we were.

"Hortense, um, thank you for the breakfast, but..."

"Silence," she said in a voice that sounded different than before. It was much lower, and it almost sounded like more than one voice talking at once. The sound of the voice freaked me out enough that I dared not say anything.

Then, something extremely disturbing happened.

Before my eyes, Hortense began to change shape. Her arms grew into giant tentacles, and her body widened and hardened, growing several long, thin black legs. Her head began growing a set of smaller tentacles, and her eyes grew enormous and black. She appeared to have turned into a giant beetle. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen.

"John The Baptist, you have not been following the word of God," said the bug. "You write hymns for a living, and yet you sin every night. I have seen some of the things you have done. You are a filthy, filthy man and must be destroyed."

"Who are you?" I asked, terrified.

"You know who I am," boomed the bug. "I am the Lord thy God, and thou shalt have no strange gods before me!!!!"

"G...God?" I stuttered. "But...you're a bug?"

"The Lord thy God can take whatever shape he wants, John, you should know this," boomed the bug. "You have sinned, and now you must pay the price. I shall rip out thy kidneys and force you to eat them."

"Please, have mercy, is there anything I can do? I know I'm a sinner but can't I repent?"

"Well, there is one thing you can do," the bug said. "I want you to write your next hymn. In it, I want you to confess your sins, and acknowledge that the things you have done are evil and against God."

"Yes, Lord, I will do it," I said.

"Make it so," said the bug, raising a tentacle. Then a blue stream of light came out of the tentacle and engulfed me in blinding light. When the light disappeared, I was sitting in my apartment.

I wasn't sure if it had all been a dream or not, but I decided I had better write the hymn, just to be on the safe side. Hell, I thought, I had been looking for new material anyway. Hopefully people would think I was just making it up. Anyway, here is the hymn I wrote on that day:

The Things I've Done

I've given facials, handjobs and head
Forgive me, my Lord
I've rubbed my penis until it bled
Forgive me, my Lord
I've been so drunk I had to skip mass
Forgive me, my Lord
I've stuck a live eel up my ass
Forgive me, my Lord

The things I've done really suck
If I don't stop I'll be out of luck
God will rip my organs out
And feed my limbs to hungry trout

The things I've done are gross
Like eating my own semen on toast
God will unravel my intestine
And feed it to a hungry ferret named Preston

I've whipped out my dick on a rollercoaster
Forgive me, my Lord
I've stuck my best friend's balls in a toaster
Forgive me, my Lord
I've done marijuana, cocaine and meth
Forgive me, my Lord
I've had intercourse with a dolphin named Seth
Forgive me, my Lord

The things I've done are wrong
If I don't stop God will cut off my dong
He'll send me straight to hell
He'll scrape my skin off with a lobster shell

The things I've done are grotesque
But God, what can I do next?
Let me devote my life to you
Cause if I don't you'll make me eat your poo


Thanks and I hope you enjoyed it.

John the Baptist